The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
