If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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