Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
