No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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