I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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