ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
