I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Randomize
