I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
