the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize