Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
