i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
