I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm always down for nudity.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
