my phone needs a breathalizer
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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