dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
