here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
