Tell her she can't have a vagina
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize