I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
