I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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