I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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