the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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