WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The struggles of a small town man whore
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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