i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
