So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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