ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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