She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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