doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
