She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
