This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i think i just lost a toe
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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