Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Go christen that room with your naked body.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize