By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize