i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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