Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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