Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
