the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's never too late to be topless.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
