I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
