You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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