she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
whose parrot is this?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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