you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
