Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
