can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
