i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
