You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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