And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
