listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You need a sexual gate keeper
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
