...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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