There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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