sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
