Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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