Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Congratulations! We have a period
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
