So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
