I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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