If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
