I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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