I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
