Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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