good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
